The written word
is a powerful tool
but it is us
it is Us who choose
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Thursday, February 16, 2012
Please believe me when I say I don't remember. I don't remember how it started. I don't remember what happened. I don't remember how it ended, if it did.
What I do remember is how miserable I felt. How I cried until I can cry no more, until I fell asleep exhausted. I remember still crying as I woke up, like a child waking from a nightmare. I remember the feeling of abandonment of waking up to an empty house that wasn't mine but was full of my hazy, incomplete memories. I remember wanting to get away, as far away as possible as though it was possible to leave it all behind. I remember getting up and leaving at 3AM because I couldn't stand the jumble of emotions any longer.
So you see, I am telling you the truth when I say i don't exactly remember what happened. I only remember how it made me feel. I remember, and I regret that I can't forget.
Well, that's how it is isn't it? One day you are perfectly happy and perfectly fine, perfectly moving on to a future and not looking back and then WHAM. It all comes crashing down. You struggle to stay upright, to stay afloat, but there's these ghost of the past clinging to you. You struggle to move forward but it's as though the past has this sort of bungee cord tied to you, making you believe you're moving forward and then pulling you back at your peak.
That's how it is, isn't it? One moment you have the world, the next it's all in pieces. And this time you realize, the pieces are those you can never put back together no matter how much glue, how much tears, how many apologies, how much heartache you use.
Well. That's done. What's done is done. Forget regret. No looking back. You can't change what has happened. Don't look back.
But I do, and I think of all the things I could have done better and I wonder why I didn't. I have nothin to show for the time I didn't spend being the best I could be. I guess I've been wasting time, and when I realize this I get jealous of Adrian and everyone else who have been making good use of their time for something, anything that they want. Time is ticking away and I am just sitting here marveling at how fast it slips away from me.
I know this and yet here I am still doing nothing about it. perhaps procrastination really has got me so in her clutches that I can do nothing, absolutely nothing to tear myself away even as she tears me to shreds.
UPLB EE Senior
i am old yet i'm a child. indecisive. cautious. moody. sarcastic. antagonistically honest.
i can curse like a sailor
and i can love the way only an idiot would: purely, whole-heartedly, truly.