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Monday, January 05, 2009
>after a week of silence, he finally sent me a message. i should be happy, i really should. but i'm not.
all of his messages sound alike. maybe i've been too needy, too dependent, to stupid to realize it before, but they all contain the same thing. "hello love. iloveyou." that's all. sweet isn't it? no, it isn't. not if you've been receiving the same message for all the years you've been together.
i can't believe i only just realized how hollow his words sound. i can't believe i've been convincing myself that a lot of thought actually goes in his message. i can't believe i've played myself for a fool.
Monday, December 08, 2008
> the wheel has been set into motion. the hand that gave it the push it needed, that was mine. perhaps it would have started sooner or later without me, but knowing that this is my responsibility gives me the strength to go on.
how did it turn like this? i thought it was over, but it's starting all over again. because of me. i wanted it. i tell myself i wanted this. i did. i did. but now i ask, why? because i wanted him to be happy. at whatever cost, i wanted him to find what he was looking for. if he was willing to risk having his heart broken, then i'm willing to let mine break. again, and again, and again.
after all, she was the first girl he ever loved.
and i'm just the girl who loved him. always.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
> the blogger has died.
*knock on wood*
actually, the blogger is too busy plurking to enhance what writing skills she has. pardon the delay. maybe when plurk dies..
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
> you are walking down the tree lined street daydreaming about what you
are going to eat, or stressing over an exam to come, when you are
jolted back into reality by what you see in front of you: a worm,
hanging by an almost invisible silk thread and wiggling for all it's
worth. ew.
for all city people, this may not be a sight you are familiar
with. i live in the mountainous province of Los Banos, so i am. and i
am very, very grateful that i saw it, disgusting as it was. seeing the
floating worm is better than barreling right through it and getting it
stuck somewhere in my body, possibly in my clothes, or worse, in my
hair.
dear little flying worm, i know you want to be a butterfly.
but next time, please choose to hang out some place where we humans are
not in danger of getting disgusted. thank you.
Friday, October 03, 2008
> the cold night wind sweeps through the almost empty streets, blowing my
hair all over. the night is not so young anymore, yet the peace i feel
must indicate the relative un-late-ness of the hour. or perhaps time
has no relation to it whatsoever. perhaps it's all because of this
person sitting next to me, his eyes scanning the empty road, waiting.
i could have waited the whole night if only he'd stay with me.
> it was the usual circumstances. yes, the same old circumstances that i always thank for the opportunities they give me. opportunities on which i never act upon, but i am still very thankful for.
yet perhaps it's not really the opportunities for which i'm grateful. perhaps it's the circumstances themselves. that rare moment of bliss, of happiness, of pure peace that i get every time we stay together like that is all that i want, all that i ever wanted. perhaps it's enough to keep me holding on.
even though i know in my heart that he's not as happy as i am. even though i know for a fact that he doesn't think of all those times as anything but what it is, simply going home together.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
> wasted. perhaps that's what they all want to be. wasted enough to forget all their problems go away, at least for the moment. wasted enough to not know what they were doing. wasted enough to not care.
i wish i could say the same happened to me, but i can't. i can't lose it, even for just a short time. there is always a little rational part of me reminding me of my manners, of the time, of how i could get home and what bluff to say to make them NOT suspect what i've been doing all night.
i guess that's the problem with me. normal and sober, i am much more careful, much more controlled than the average person. maybe that's why people don't like me that much, because i don't react normally, instinctively. i have to think things through. i have to think everything through.
the problem is, i don't get as wasted as i want to. in a way, that's a good thing because i hardly ever get in trouble. i don't say things i'll regret later. i don't act as stupid as everyone else, though i act stupid most of the time anyway, so to a bystander, i would probably look as wasted as the others.
yet, i do want to get wasted. yeah, only when i know i won't get in trouble for it, and only when i know i can't do anything irrevocable. i do want to forget, i do want to be as happy as they are, and i want to lose a little of the misery. i want to get wasted.
It's 3AM, I Must Be Lonely > the air is really cold tonight. or perhaps that is because i've been feeling warm all night because of the heady alcohol in my bloodstream, among other things. but right now, alone in my bedroom (well, not exactly alone. i share rooms with my sister), with the cat curled up beside me, i feel so cold. even under the thick blanket the cat likes so much, it's still so very cold.
after a while though, i realized that if i stay still, still enough to give me cramps, long enough, i can be warm. maybe it's because my warmth finally occupies the cramped space. maybe it's because the cold air can't reach me so much when i'm so still.
i'm finally warm, yes. but i'm also uncomfortable and very very restricted. it doesn't help that the cat is right there, ready to get crushed if i do as much as roll over. i'm warm enough, but i do feel so much more cramped.
and now i think, what do i do? stay warm and restricted, or cold but more flexible?
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
> she smiles. they all smile back.
she talks. they all listen.
she leaves. they all talk about how wonderful she is.
no wonder she's so happy.
i don't trust her advice because of that. simply because she's so happy. paano nga naman niya maiintindihan kung gaano kasakit ang hindi mahalin, gayong hindi naman siya nauubusan ng taong magmamahal sa kanya?
pretty girls have it so good.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
> they say out of sight, out of mind.
but when they're both in your line of sight, which one do you choose to put out of your mind?
~ Me ~
Aryan, 17
university sophomore
obsessive compulsive
slightly neurotic
incredibly moody
bites when provoked
vicious when hurt
silent
aloof
daydreamer
pretty complex
want to know me?
want a link?
leave a tag
~ I dig.. ~
dark chocolate(hint, hint)
kittens
anime and manga
surfing the net
rain
frozen food
coffee
figurines
dolphins
necklaces
earrings
stuffed toys
o2jam
perfect world
RPGs
~ I detest.. ~
worms
whiny voices
flying roaches
social climbers
eggplants
blood
broken promises
~ I wish for.. ~
peace and quiet
a small white bear with a sweater
the route to neverland
the yellow brick road
less homework
world peace?
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no whispers