half a year. two quarters. one semester. when you can live to be a hundred, it isn't much, but for me, a halfyear-twoquarters-one sem can change my life forever. just like how it is right now. just like how it's been for quite some time.

why do i do this? for honor? for pride? as a trade for my parent's love?
for competition? for self fulfillment? for a brighter future?

i don't know. all i know is that i don't really want to do this. yet at the same time i do. i want to be the best in everything, but at the same time i don't really care. i want to work harder, push further, come out farther ahead. but i can't. i can't. i can't.

not anymore.

am i growing up or down? am i losing my ideals or simply getting older, more mature, more real?

is it worth it?

i have to know. because after this, there is no going back. there never is.